Ailing

Reader's Digest September 2008

Gay people invented sports.  Think about it.  Boxing: two topless men...in silk shorts...fighting over a belt.
ANT

So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains.  I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it.  Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
Jerry Seinfeld

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their US factory and moving it to Mexico.  LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.
Conan O'brien

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno

In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team.  My parents loved him.  They firgured that any guy that took hours to make a move was OK with them.
Brian Redman

My wife has tons of credit cards.  She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.
Peter Sasso

About a month ago, I got a cactus.  And a week later, it died.  I got relly depressed because it was like, Damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Joan Rivers

NASA says they have proof that parts of Mars were once submerged under water, which means it could have supported life.  Of course, water doesn't always mean intelligent life - you remember Baywatch?
Jay Leno